On December 19, Mr. Williams closed his shop. Do you know why was this thing happened? This music store is my favorite store. It has attended me for a long time. I think I must to know what happened on it.
The store is located next to the lobby on the ground floor of the Fairfax Apartment Building. First, according to the graph of residents is theFairfax
The store is located next to the lobby on the ground floor of the Fairfax Apartment Building. First, according to the graph of residents is the
Do you know why was this thing happened?
回覆刪除>>>這句的文法有錯誤
It has attended me for a long time.
>>>改成It has attracted me for a long time.
I think I must to know what happened on it.
>>>I think I must to know what happened to it.
First, according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group, we can know the most people in fifty-one to sixty year-old in this apartment building. But most of the CDs were hip-hop and rock.
>>>people aged 51-60...
→ Do you know why did this thing happen？
回覆刪除The store is located next to the lobby on the ground floor of the Fairfax Apartment Building.
他的location明顯的是一個大問題唷你卻沒寫＠＠？！
First, according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group , we can know the most people in fifty-one to sixty year-old in this apartment building. 你這段文法嚴重錯誤= =
( people aged 51 to 60... 用這句去改 .. )
Second, according the following table, we can know number of people who walk past the store. The shop was open Monday to Friday from one to five p.m. But people walk past the store almost from six p.m. to twelve p.m. 不是吧，是集中在週末，並沒有集中在下午六點以後壓..？！！
And three miles away from a shopping center that has two large music stores.這應該寫成一段location，在這很怪！
Maybe (next time不用了) I can suggest Mr. Williams set the store at the (是a吧)good place.
Lili 你寫文章都不會把文法或用寫搞懂，這樣我們不知道你寫的文章是什或是覺得你寫的文章很糟ˊˋ
像是這篇就讓我很無言...
1. Do you know why was this thing happened?
回覆刪除-->Do you want to know what happened?即可
這樣可以激發讀者的興趣~
不過我覺得這句不寫直接接下面第2點改過的句子會比較順喔!!你可以參考看看~
2. This music store is my favorite store. It has attended me for a long time. I think I must to know what happened on it.
前面是問句後面直接這樣意思有點怪，可以改成
-->It's a pity for me because the music store which had caught my attention for a long time is my favorite store. 這個直接接第一句其實會比較順~!
3. I think I must to know what happened on it.
然後這句其實有點不需要~因為下面都已經把原因講出來了喔~
你上面這句的意思是你還不知道原因，但是你想去找答案，代表你還不知道原因喔~(好複雜O__O||)
我覺得可以改成:There were several reasons which caused the close of the shop.
4. The store is located next to the lobby on the ground floor of the Fairfax Apartment Building.這句像靖苡嬸嬸說得那樣，所在地是個大問題喔
可以把因處於較偏僻的地方，因此人潮比較少之類的寫出來。
所以要把支句寫出來~再補個一兩句吧!這樣會比較完整。
5. according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group, we can know the most people in fifty-one to sixty year-old in this apartment building. 這句不可以這樣寫喔
因為graph是表格的意思，除非你把表格放上文章不然大家會沒有表格可以看就不知道你在說什麼~你可以改成data。
-->according to the local data, we can know that the age of people in this apartment building lies in fifty-one to sixty year-old.
6.But most of the CDs were hip-hop and rock. I think most people in apartment don’t like this.
-->However,the majority of CDs in this shop were hip-hop and rock which couln't appeal to people in this apartment.
7. according the following table, we can know number of people who walk past the store.
我建議最好不要這樣寫，除非你把那個資料放上來喔
-->according to the papers,(複數形態當作資料)we can know the amount of people who passed by the store.
8. The shop was open Monday to Friday from one to five p.m.
-->The shop was open in the period of one to five p.m. from Monday to Friday.
9. But people walk past the store almost from six p.m. to twelve p.m.
--> Nevertheless, the stream of people(人潮)was usually exist from six to twelve p.m.
10. And three miles away from a shopping center that has two large music stores. Maybe next time I can suggest Mr. Williams set the store at the good place.
最後這段語意很不順喔~感覺有跳來跳去的FEEL~還有怎麼會有there has呢> In addition, there were two large music stores from a shopping center only for three miles away.
11. Due to above-reasons, no wonder the business of the shop would be close in the end.
可以在第10點改過的句子後加上這一句。這樣會比較完整。
12. Maybe next time I can suggest Mr. Williams set the store at the good place.
-->Maybe next time I can provide Mr. Williams with several running methods.
利利句子我都幫你改完了~有的有幫你加東西:d~可以參考看看~
然後文章段落要連結，不要跳來跳去~不然會很混亂喔
4、5、6、7、10藥記得改一下過去式!!我忘了改過去式= =
回覆刪除第一行 Do you know why was this thing happened 是did喔
回覆刪除第二行 I think I must to know what happened on it是 I think I must know what happened to it
第三行提到他的位置 後面就直接寫first….. 這樣好突然 中間可以補一些細節的部分
第四行according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group 是residents in the Fairfax
然後we can know the most people in fifty-one to sixty year-old in this apartment building
可以改成 we can know that most people in this apartment aged fifty-one to sixty
第五行的 I think most people in apartment don’t like this. 因為前面有提到people了 這裡可以換成代名詞
I think most of them don't like this.
第六行we can know number of people.... 數量的話 是the number of...
倒數第三行 And three miles away from a shopping center that has two large music stores. 沒有下文 會感覺像是突然冒出來的 可以寫一些它的影響
有些句子之間要加連接詞 不然會讓人覺得像是在讀句子 而不是段落...
Do you know why was this thing happened?
回覆刪除因為上面的題是文章有說妳是分析的同學~
所以這個句子應該省略...
因為要自己找答案~
後面的句子加Because接下去=)
according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group,
這句我看不太懂~
是不是according to the data, 呢?
don’t like this
this要改為複數喔~
according the following table,
這句也有點怪怪的~
建議省略...
we can know number of people who walk past the store.
這句也不太明白...
省略直接寫下面的句子=)
結尾建議統合各點加以做結論會比較適當!!!
On December 19, Mr. Williams closed his shop. Do you know why was this thing happened?
回覆刪除(Do you know why did this thing happen?其實我覺得這一句也可以不用加~而且感覺在你的很多篇文章上都有看到類似的用法~應該可以試試看其他之前學過的句型喔~
This music store is my favorite store. It has attended me for a long time. I think I must to know what happened on it.
( This music store is my favorite.(favorite不用在重複~可省的贅字)
It has attended me for a long time這一句完全不能這樣用喔>< (I had visited/attended it for ~)
First, according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group, we can know the most people in fifty-one to sixty year-old in this apartment building.
(其實我大概懂你的意思~但是文法不對喔~
according to the graph of residents- is(??) the Fairfax( by age group為什麼要這句,應該不是指同年齡範圍的吧??), we can know most of the people who come to this sore are aged 50 to 60 )
But most of the CDs were hip-hop and rock. I think most people in apartment don’t like this. Second, (according the following table, we can know there are a~)跟上面的句型有重複~
a large number of people walk past the store on weekends, especially from six p.m. to twelve p.m. However the shop just opened from one to five p.m on Monday to Friday.
(前面這幾句必須要整理~不能只有列出來~不然的話讀者會看的很混亂><~這點要注意喔!!
And three miles away from a shopping center that has two large music stores.
(that there are two~)
Maybe next time I can suggest Mr. Williams set the store at the good place.(at another better place)
結尾不像是結尾喔~感覺很草草帶過~畢竟前面講了落落長~到最後如果結尾只有這一句的話會辜負了你之前寫的那麼長一段的努力喔~要避免虎頭蛇尾~加油>//<
Do you know why was this thing happened?
回覆刪除-->Do you know why did this thing happen?
I think I must to know what happened on it.
-->I think I must have to know what happened to it.
First, according to the graph of residents is the Fairfax by age group, we can know the most people in fifty-one to sixty year-old in this apartment building.
-->Firstly, according to the information I get, we can know most people in the Fairfax are in the age group from fifty-one to sixty year-old .
I think most people in apartment don’t like this.
-->this-->them
Second, according the following table, we can know number of people who walk past the store.
--> Second, according to the following table, we can know the number of people who walk past the store.
The shop was open Monday to Friday from one to five p.m.
-->The shop was open from Monday to Friday from one to five p.m.
And three miles away from a shopping center that has two large music stores.
-->And there are three miles away from a shopping center that has two large music stores.
後面那句前面可以先接一句as a result
盡量不要用But And這樣直接開頭當一個句子
如果可以就和前面的句子合併在一起
畢竟他們本來就是連接詞
然後結論句似乎沒有出來喔
2nd what happened on it -> what happened to it ((+ on表”巧遇”
回覆刪除3rd first放在這裡不恰當
倒數4 according to !! 這裡重複了 可以用on the basis of
following table??
The shop was open ~ -> The shop operated from ~
結論句 有後繼無力的感覺欸 改一個吧:D
you know why was this thing happened?
回覆刪除happen沒有被動型態
attended me是什麼意思??你有查錯單字嗎
I think I must to know what happened on it.
這句話不應該在文章出現吧 還有must後面怎可能有to= ='
這句話感覺好像在聊天..非正式用法~~
Second, according the >> Second, according to the
最後一句開店的動詞用set超奇怪的唷
應該是open吧@@