My sister got lost when we took a trip in Spain
1.My sister got lost when we took a trip in Spain.應把in改成to
回覆刪除2.takes smile on the face用has看起來比較順~
3. I believe when you can saw a girl with Chinese face. It is her.
can後面要加原v 然後是說這句語意好像不對唷
讓別人看不懂~所以希望你把這句改掉~
4.please call to the Royal Hotel
call後面可以不+to會比較順
5.My sister will know how to contact me when she went there這句時態不一致
6.Please as fast as possible
這句則是少了動詞唷
對了上面第五點contact 要+with使用
回覆刪除Took a trip to Spain
回覆刪除too...to /there were too many people to ...
不然就用so many people
I "was afraid of" that she had got an accident.時態要一致
"a" small face少了定冠詞喔
"wears" smile on the face.用takes怪怪的
But she is so brave that she can talk to others.
第二行可以改成 there were crowded with people
回覆刪除disorder這個字比較是人身體上的失調
建議找別個字替代喔
第三行的with me是贅字而且文法完全錯誤~
第四行是"wears" a smile不是takes喔
"But she is to be brave in talking to others."
"I believe when you can saw a girl with Chinese face."
這兩句話看不太懂你的文意耶@@
應該是文法錯誤囉
你是要表達他勇於跟別人講話所以一下就能發現到他嗎?
那應該要用good at communicaating with others so you will find out her soon這類的唷~
加油~~
(She was lost when)we went to a Bull-Fight Festival(which)were many people. She got lost with us after a disorder.
回覆刪除disorder改成chaos比較好~
But she is to be brave in talking to others.這句有點看不懂~
I will give you ten thousand dollars to thank you to find her.這樣比較不突然=)
→took a trip to Spain.
回覆刪除→We went to a Bull-Fight Festival and there were crowed with people. Suddenly, she disappear when I didn't pay attention to her.
→We were all afraid that she got an accident.還有這句接後面那句接得很唐突唷! 可以加一句說拜託大家幫忙找我妹妹這樣
你中間那些續敘述她的特徵跟外觀都沒有連接詞或轉折詞，太平順不好唷~
→She was dressed in a pink hat, a white T-shirt and blue jeans when she disappeared.
She can not speak English very well. But she is to be brave in talking to others.不要這兩句比較好唷，有點離題!
I believe when you can saw a girl with Chinese face. It is her. 我覺得這句不好，因為在國外東方面孔不少吧，這句你應該改成她有的"超特殊"特徵
→I really need your help.
→If you find her, please contact the Royal Hotel. My sister will know how to contact me when she goes there.
→We will show our appreciation with a small red envelope, if you find my sister.
→Because We are just here for five days, please find her as soon as possible.
整篇結構和意境很清楚很好
When we went to a Bull-Fight Festival, there were too many people.
回覆刪除建議可改變句型不僅可以避免錢句的重複,還可增加句子活潑度
my sister got lost with me. me→ us 我覺得比較好
I am afraid that she got an accident.
前後時態要一致 am→was
且可在後面增加"There are some featrues about her..."避免上下句意不連貫
She always takes smile on the face.
→ She always keeps smile ~
a pink hat 前面感覺用wore 會比較好
But she is to be brave ~with Chinese face.
→However, I convinced that she is brave enough to talk with others. If you see such a girl as her, without a doubt, that is her.
If you find her, please call to the Royal ~ Please as fast as possible.
→ If you find her, please contact with the Royal Hotel as soon as possible. I will give you ten thousand dollars as reward.
整體內容很不錯,但是主角的特徵可以再多增加點特殊的部分
倒數3,4句那邊 可以精簡化你的內文,會讓文章更漂亮唷:D
After a disorder, my sister got lost with me.
回覆刪除這句用with me像是兩人ㄧ起走失了
I am afraid that she got an accident.
因為是一直到現在都很擔心,可改成喔I have been worried about her for several days, and I am afraid that if there is any accident happening to her.
She always takes smile on the face
可用wears a smile
She can not speak English very well.
very 不能修飾副詞唷~
I believe when you can saw a girl with Chinese face. It is her.
這句太中文式寫法了,要小心唷
可改成I believe that you can easily recognize her with her Chinese face.
(不過如果只說中國臉孔可能不夠明確,最好是有個很明顯的特徵)
We have gone there almost five days.
ㄧ開始說旅遊的時候是用過去式代表你們的旅遊已經經結束了只是還沒找到她
所以這句不適用現在完成式
可用過去完成式We had gone there for almost five days.
要記得提妹妹的名字唷
然後寫作時要記得不要直翻中文,看起來才不會怪怪的
第三行跟第四行 She has a long, curly brown hair and small face.
回覆刪除She always takes smile on the face. 這兩個重複了
倒數第五行 I believe when you can saw a girl with Chinese face. 應該改成 I believe when you see a girl .....
然後後面的it is her 可以接在這句的後面 不用再單獨寫成一句
中間描述特徵的那幾個句子之間可以加上連接詞 不然感覺會像是一個一個獨立的句子 比較不像是文章 XD
My sister got lost when we took a trip in Spain=>in改成to喔~
回覆刪除there were too many people=>後面應該要加上that~後接一個情況可以讓你更方便連接後面的句子喔!
After a disorder, my sister got lost with me=>disorder感覺比較少用~用chaos比較常看到喔~=ˇ=
I am afraid that she got an accident.=>got後面接個into吧~
She always takes smile on the face=>take應該改成wear~
When she was last seen=>感覺怪怪的~改成when the last time I saw her會比較好喔~
But she is to be brave in talking to others.=>怪怪的~改成she is brave enough to talk to others
I believe when you can saw a girl with Chinese face. It is her.=>有點怪~我覺得可以寫成~I consider that if you saw a girl with a Chinese face, it may be her
So I need your help=>so放在這邊不對勁~因為他有連接上句意的感覺~改成and now~會比較好喔~
If you find her, please call to the Royal Hotel後免應該要加上轉到哪個房間吧~不然會不知道要找誰~而且記得要加上電話喔~
Please as fast as possible這句話少動詞可是我覺得不應該放這裡~會有種逼迫人的感覺~