As I am an elementary school student, I went to Wushantou Reservoir with my classmates. It was a class tour which I came with all of my classmates and everyone’s parents. It was so wonderful before one thing happen.
When we arrived there, we rode a bike to a place where should through a downhill. This downhill was long and precipitous. I was so scary that my bike was under control. All of sudden, the speed of my bike was getting faster and faster. I was so nervous that I managed to stop my bike by holding the brakes, but it didn’t work. So I threw out the bike and fell on the road. All of my body got hurt and my knee was blooding. After that, I still had a happy time in this travel.
After few years ago, when I rode the bike, I still think what the horrible happened on that day.
After few years ago, when I rode the bike, I still think what the horrible happened on that day.
第一句改成when I was an elementary school student比較好
回覆刪除第6行 I was so scary that my bike was under control
under control是"在控制中"
out of control才是"失去控制"
再來是最後2句都是After..., I still... 同樣的字盡量不要在連續2個句子中使用 可以改一下用字
其他的 在"讓人難忘的事"這部分寫的不錯喔
As I am an elementary school student, I went to Wushantou Reservoir with my classmates.
回覆刪除I am改成 was
It was so wonderful before one thing happen.
過去式happened
I was so scary that my bike was under control.
應該是out of control
I was so nervous that I managed to stop my bike by holding the brakes, but it didn’t work.
I was so nervous that I managed to brake my bike to avoid an accident, but it didn’t work.
So I threw out the bike and fell on the road.
用jumped off會更好~
After that, I still had a happy time in this travel.
應該是However, after being wrapped, I still had a happy time in this travel.
雖摔傷了但為什麼還是很開心應該要再多交代一下,不然很突兀
It was a class tour which I came with all of my classmates and everyone’s parents.->It was a class tour with ny classmates and their parents.我覺得改成這樣之後會比較順一點，後面的everyone 感覺很奇怪，因為跟前面的my是不一樣的主詞
回覆刪除It was so wonderful before one thing happen.可以改成No sooner had everything was wonderful and awesome before one thing happened.
So I threw out the bike and fell on the road. All of my body got hurt and my knee was blooding. ->so 放在這邊接前面那一句話感覺有點太平常的描述了，可以改成Being threw out of my bike and fell over on the road,all of my body got hurt and my knees had bleeding wound on them.
After that, I still had a happy time in this travel.->after that 可以改成像是nevertheless之類的轉折詞會比較好
After few years ago, when I rode the bike, I still think what the horrible happened on that day.->horrible是形容詞後面可以加上像是thing 之類的名詞,ago是指在...以前，不能放在這邊
騎腳踏車的部分寫的不錯，可以更加深入會讓人有更加深入其境的感覺喔!!^^
第二段第一行
回覆刪除we rode a bike to a place where we should go through a downhill first.
I was so scary that my bike was under control.
是不是要寫out of control比較好
I was so nervous that I tried to stop my bike by holding the brakes.
So I threw out the bike and fell down the road.還有這句knee was blooding因該是bleeding
After few years ago, 可以改成 Few years later, I still could remember the horrible experience happened on that day clearly.
As I am an elementary school student, I went to Wushantou Reservoir with my classmates.
回覆刪除was唷
It was so wonderful before one thing happen.
happened唷
你的時態要小心唷，錯那種小地方很冤枉!
應為we rode bikes
through 不是動詞唷!
應為was out of control唷
speed 可以用get faster and faster嗎? 確定一下唷!
After few years ago, when I rode the bike, I still think what the horrible happened on that day.
不用ago吧 整句時態怪怪唷＠＠!!
事件高潮迭起還不錯!
It was a class tour which I came with all of my classmates and everyone’s parents.
回覆刪除這句滿不順的 可以改像曉芸說的那樣
It was so wonderful before one thing happen.
可以改Unfortunately, the happiness didn't last for so long.會比較好
When we arrived there, we rode a bike to a place where should through a downhill.
可以改分詞構句Arriving there, ~
we rode a bike 意思是..你們共同騎一台腳踏車??
(笑翻)
I was so scary that my bike was under control.
不能控制是out of control這樣才符合喔喔
my body got hurt and my knee was blooding
-->bleeding
I still think what the horrible happened on that day. horrible後面要加名詞例如+thing之類的
然後happy那段還滿矛盾的～
因為結論劇是想到恐怖的經驗
所以可以把happy換掉喔
第二行which I came with all of my classmates and everyone’s parents.
回覆刪除→ which I went along with all ~
第三行It was so wonderful before one thing happen.
→ the wonderful thing stopped by an urgent event
When we arrived there, we rode a bike to a place where should through a downhill. This downhill was long and precipitous.
→There was a long and precipitous declivity we had to went through
身為一個學生(或其他身分)
回覆刪除直接as an句的主詞是同一個人
所以可以省略i am
第三行的happen是過去式喔
When we arrived there, we rode a bike to a place where should through a downhill
應該改成
We passed through a downhill when we were rideing bikes.
This downhill was long and precipitous. I was so scary that my bike was under control.
可以合成一句
The downhill was so long and steep that I was terriblely scared. All of a sudden, my bike was out of control.
倒數第三行
流血是bleeding
結尾跟內容有點不搭嘎
你要說你有一個多遭的一天
總結應該是要說你的心情感想
所以我覺得
"I still had a happy time in this travel"這句怪怪的喔
It was so wonderful before terrible thing happen.這養好像比較順
回覆刪除是I was so scary that my bike was out of control.才對喔!!!
After that, I still had a happy time in this travel.這裡有點唐突~結尾也是!!!
中間過程的恐懼有讓我感受到><